Since I last wrote to you, I’ve been out in the woods a few times. I’ve slowed down a bit to feel the cold air on my skin, to listen to the sounds of nature, to observe how nature is so obviously and inextricably intertwined, like noticing the way a strong new tree grew over the foundation of one who had lived its life and was becoming part of the earth again. I noticed the cycles and it refreshed me.
And…I haven’t done it every day. I haven’t chosen peace over chaos. I haven’t chosen to unwind. I have chosen the network of busyness, reading never-ending articles about the social issues I’m so passionate about as if reading equates to doing some good in the world…
I’ve also daydreamed about becoming an expat and never living in the U.S. again because I’m so fed up with everything…
And, I’ve taken refuge in conversations with friends and family who get it, who feel my frustration, who can relate to my pain. That community has helped.
I want to see change in the world so desperately, and yet it is out of my control. I’ve already told myself I had given up on that notion, knowing that the only thing I can really change is myself. So why is it so hard to do even that?
There seems to be such a wide disconnect between “knowing” and “doing” in our culture. We voraciously consume more, more, more knowledge. We learn the best methods, we read the best books. We study the great leaders of our time, and yet, on a soul level, in our own little microcosms of life, we fall short. I fall short when I criticize myself. I fall short when I yell at my daughter or get frustrated with my mom. I fall short when I spend so much time in my head and not enough time in my heart.
I’ve heard the phrase “do to be” many times over the last few years. It’s the concept that we at some point have to stop thinking about how we are going to do something and we have to set motion to our dreams. We have to choose action over planning. We have to create new pathways in our brains by DOING the thing so we can BE the change we want to see.
I’m at a crossroads. For this first time in many years I am not employed. I am going back to school. I am in the chrysalis. I am caterpillar soup. It feels messy, it feels raw, it feels like there is no road to walk on. But maybe that’s okay. Maybe I don’t need to do it all right now. Maybe I can be patient in my becoming. And, when my wings are ready, maybe I won’t need a road. Maybe I will just fly.